A Letter

I seem to be having familial problems. This is the letter that I composed to attempt to start healing the situation. I don't know what to do now. Apparently my father is under the impression that I hate him.

Dad,
You shouldn't think that I hate you. You're my father, of course I love you.

One time, you were talking to my brother about body hair. You said, and I quote, "and then there are the fucking fags that shave it." Don't try to say that you never said that, because it was that sentence more than anything that made me afraid to talk to you. Because, Dad, I guess I am a "fucking fag." It was that sentence that left me with the feeling that you would hate me if you found out. As for recent irritability... well, let's just say that if you loved someone, and then they were torn away from you, I bet you wouldn't exactly be a happy person either.

I wanted to say all of this to your face, but I don't think that I am strong enough. I have enough trouble just writing it down. If you can find it in your heart to still love me then maybe one day we can talk about it, but I just can't do it right now. I have been stressed and depressed and just want to be left alone to try to heal.

Love,
Jeremy

P.S. I really am sorry about the kick. I understand that you want to maintain some kind of relationship with me (at least, I hope you still do), but... can it please be one where I don't have to feel like you are going to do something at some point whenever we are in the same room? Please?

Privacy

Well, I'm not sure what to say.

I feel like my blog no longer contains the amount of anonymity necessary for me to post about personal matters. Rather than posting here, I've been keeping a journal on my iPod. Which raises the question, what is the point of this blog now? Honestly, I'm not sure there is one anymore. As bloggers that I have never even heard of before figure out who I am and try to add me on facebook (which is not okay by the way), I become less and less likely to post anything at all.

I'm going to keep the blog, but I probably will not be posting anymore.

Thanks for the support.

Personality

I haven't really been writing anything of substance here lately, I kind of lost interest in having a blog. I actually started to keep a journal on my iPod touch, which is a place I can write anything and nobody will see it. However, the most recent thing that I wrote (which was earlier today) I felt was something that I could put here as well...

Every personality test that I have ever taken pegs me as a loner. The type of person that is shy and withdrawn and hates crowds and people. In general though, I DO like to be around people. The problem is that I've been betrayed too many times, and now I find it almost impossible to completely trust anyone. I find it difficult to even justify speaking to a psychologist (I still have not spoken to one). The only reason I put it here, is because here I am anonymous. Although a few people have figured out who I am, and that might be one of the reasons that I don't post here much anymore.

I think that possibly one of the most accurate personality tests I've taken was the one on facebook (I believe it is this: facebook.com/mypersonality). I can share if it people want, it's posted publicly on my facebook page, but I don't intend to put it in this post (or link to my facebook page >_>)...

There's only one person that I currently trust completely, but unfortunately we aren't able to talk much recently...


Oh and I feel like I have to add, this heat wave in the northeast is killing me, what the hell is with over 95 degrees?! D:< Seriously, I couldn't sleep last night because it was so hot.

Oh and belated happy 4th of july for americans >_>

Unfortunately

I think I'm falling back into depression.

I haven't exactly been in the greatest state of mind recently, but I will work things out in my head.

Living alone is a lot more lonely than I anticipated...

I don't usually make sad posts... sorry :/

As far as work goes

Apparently this summer work involves learning graduate level nuclear reactor physics and DOS programming. So yeah I spent about 7 hours today working on a physics problem, I'm still trying to get this program to run. The VENTURE program that I had to order from the government has a 300 page user manual.

It's not exactly my idea of fun, but I'm getting paid to do it, and I do enjoy an intellectual challenge.

I am really not a fan of DOS programming though -_-

Apologies

My finals finished... almost two weeks ago, but shortly after that I had a bit of a privacy scare.. I didn't want to delete the blog so I put it on lockdown for a while. By which I mean, I made is to that only authors could view it (i.e. only me).

However, that is over and done now, and I figured I would write this post to let people know that I am, in fact, still alive.

Anyway, I'll be moving back to the dorms this weekend. I know, moving back to the dorms for the summer, what kind of blasphemy is that?
Well, I have a job there :D
I will be working for my professor over the summer, and had to apply for summer housing in order to do that (I didn't want to get an apartment).

I'm sure nobody here cares about the details of what I do for work, it's quite boring to most people.. but WPI has shut down their reactor, and we want to buy the fuel that they are now not going to use. So, before we do that, we have to do calculations to make sure that the fuel can be safely run in our reactor, since WPI uses a different setup in theirs.

In order to do this, I had to order several complex computer codes from the government... and had to promise not to make weapons in order to do so >___>

So that's what has happened recently in my life.

By the way, I am not planning on sharing what my privacy scare was, very few people know, so don't bother asking.

News

My mother seems to have taken a step toward acceptance. In fact, if I am interpreting her words correctly, she may have finally acknowledged what I told her months ago.

We were talking in the car on the way home, and my mom brought up the subject of her and my father moving south. Then she mentioned that she didn't feel right being so far away from both of her children (because chances are both of us will end up not moving with them). She said something along the lines of "it's okay if you want to stay in massachusetts, at least you could get married if you found a life partner."

At this point, I was rather shocked. I was thinking 'did she really just say that?' She also said that she was sad that we weren't able to marry nationwide. I don't know how to explain how I felt about this... happy, I guess.

I have no idea what sparked this sudden shift in her. Maybe she looked at the text records or something >__________________>

Either way, it seems to be a step in the right direction.

P.S. I got a tetanus shot today. (Random blurb)