A Letter

I seem to be having familial problems. This is the letter that I composed to attempt to start healing the situation. I don't know what to do now. Apparently my father is under the impression that I hate him.

Dad,
You shouldn't think that I hate you. You're my father, of course I love you.

One time, you were talking to my brother about body hair. You said, and I quote, "and then there are the fucking fags that shave it." Don't try to say that you never said that, because it was that sentence more than anything that made me afraid to talk to you. Because, Dad, I guess I am a "fucking fag." It was that sentence that left me with the feeling that you would hate me if you found out. As for recent irritability... well, let's just say that if you loved someone, and then they were torn away from you, I bet you wouldn't exactly be a happy person either.

I wanted to say all of this to your face, but I don't think that I am strong enough. I have enough trouble just writing it down. If you can find it in your heart to still love me then maybe one day we can talk about it, but I just can't do it right now. I have been stressed and depressed and just want to be left alone to try to heal.

Love,
Jeremy

P.S. I really am sorry about the kick. I understand that you want to maintain some kind of relationship with me (at least, I hope you still do), but... can it please be one where I don't have to feel like you are going to do something at some point whenever we are in the same room? Please?

Privacy

Well, I'm not sure what to say.

I feel like my blog no longer contains the amount of anonymity necessary for me to post about personal matters. Rather than posting here, I've been keeping a journal on my iPod. Which raises the question, what is the point of this blog now? Honestly, I'm not sure there is one anymore. As bloggers that I have never even heard of before figure out who I am and try to add me on facebook (which is not okay by the way), I become less and less likely to post anything at all.

I'm going to keep the blog, but I probably will not be posting anymore.

Thanks for the support.

Personality

I haven't really been writing anything of substance here lately, I kind of lost interest in having a blog. I actually started to keep a journal on my iPod touch, which is a place I can write anything and nobody will see it. However, the most recent thing that I wrote (which was earlier today) I felt was something that I could put here as well...

Every personality test that I have ever taken pegs me as a loner. The type of person that is shy and withdrawn and hates crowds and people. In general though, I DO like to be around people. The problem is that I've been betrayed too many times, and now I find it almost impossible to completely trust anyone. I find it difficult to even justify speaking to a psychologist (I still have not spoken to one). The only reason I put it here, is because here I am anonymous. Although a few people have figured out who I am, and that might be one of the reasons that I don't post here much anymore.

I think that possibly one of the most accurate personality tests I've taken was the one on facebook (I believe it is this: facebook.com/mypersonality). I can share if it people want, it's posted publicly on my facebook page, but I don't intend to put it in this post (or link to my facebook page >_>)...

There's only one person that I currently trust completely, but unfortunately we aren't able to talk much recently...


Oh and I feel like I have to add, this heat wave in the northeast is killing me, what the hell is with over 95 degrees?! D:< Seriously, I couldn't sleep last night because it was so hot.

Oh and belated happy 4th of july for americans >_>

Unfortunately

I think I'm falling back into depression.

I haven't exactly been in the greatest state of mind recently, but I will work things out in my head.

Living alone is a lot more lonely than I anticipated...

I don't usually make sad posts... sorry :/

As far as work goes

Apparently this summer work involves learning graduate level nuclear reactor physics and DOS programming. So yeah I spent about 7 hours today working on a physics problem, I'm still trying to get this program to run. The VENTURE program that I had to order from the government has a 300 page user manual.

It's not exactly my idea of fun, but I'm getting paid to do it, and I do enjoy an intellectual challenge.

I am really not a fan of DOS programming though -_-

Apologies

My finals finished... almost two weeks ago, but shortly after that I had a bit of a privacy scare.. I didn't want to delete the blog so I put it on lockdown for a while. By which I mean, I made is to that only authors could view it (i.e. only me).

However, that is over and done now, and I figured I would write this post to let people know that I am, in fact, still alive.

Anyway, I'll be moving back to the dorms this weekend. I know, moving back to the dorms for the summer, what kind of blasphemy is that?
Well, I have a job there :D
I will be working for my professor over the summer, and had to apply for summer housing in order to do that (I didn't want to get an apartment).

I'm sure nobody here cares about the details of what I do for work, it's quite boring to most people.. but WPI has shut down their reactor, and we want to buy the fuel that they are now not going to use. So, before we do that, we have to do calculations to make sure that the fuel can be safely run in our reactor, since WPI uses a different setup in theirs.

In order to do this, I had to order several complex computer codes from the government... and had to promise not to make weapons in order to do so >___>

So that's what has happened recently in my life.

By the way, I am not planning on sharing what my privacy scare was, very few people know, so don't bother asking.

News

My mother seems to have taken a step toward acceptance. In fact, if I am interpreting her words correctly, she may have finally acknowledged what I told her months ago.

We were talking in the car on the way home, and my mom brought up the subject of her and my father moving south. Then she mentioned that she didn't feel right being so far away from both of her children (because chances are both of us will end up not moving with them). She said something along the lines of "it's okay if you want to stay in massachusetts, at least you could get married if you found a life partner."

At this point, I was rather shocked. I was thinking 'did she really just say that?' She also said that she was sad that we weren't able to marry nationwide. I don't know how to explain how I felt about this... happy, I guess.

I have no idea what sparked this sudden shift in her. Maybe she looked at the text records or something >__________________>

Either way, it seems to be a step in the right direction.

P.S. I got a tetanus shot today. (Random blurb)

Apparently some of you have noticed

the little formspring box on the sidebar. When it says 'ask me something, preferably something appropriate' that means 'ask me something appropriate.' Questions I answer there are posted on my facebook profile as well. Questions like "How long have you gone without cumming once you started wanking" are not considered 'appropriate'.

I seriously considered responding to that question with "what the fuck kind of question is this."

Yes I'm annoyed.

That is all.

I'm going on a trip

Literally, not the drug slang >_>

I'm going to Michigan for the national ANS student conference. It should be interesting, it's one of the largest gatherings of potential employers in the nuclear field, so I'm going to have to print out several resumes prior to going. There are 8 of us going from the school, and we are driving (it's a tad long of a drive). We are leaving at 10pm tomorrow night.

However, this also means that I am going to miss classes on thursday and friday. :/ Oh yeah, and all of my work for this week has to be done by tomorrow too, so that I can have someone hand stuff in for me.

Sigh

My mom kind of pissed me off in the car today. She was going on and on about how she was going to live with me and clean my house for me. She said 'she would live in one wing of the house and "my wife and I" could live in the main building.' I was like.. wtf mom, no you are not going to live with me. She seems to have some kind of delusion that I'm going to live in a mansion or something. And the wife comment pissed me off because she put me through the stress of answering that question "do you think you're gay?" for the first time. I answered honestly, and she seems to have rejected my answer.

ARRGHHH

I didn't say anything to her, I simply shook my head.



P.S.
I always thought people were silly for claiming to have fallen in love over the internet.
:S

Been busy.

Had a heat transfer exam last week- did very well, so the semester is off to a good start. Now I have two more exams before spring break- one tomorrow, and one thursday. After classes friday, I'm off for spring break. I also have to make my resume look nice and apply for internships, I've delayed far too long on that... I just need to figure out how to make my resume look nice :/

On another note, I spent a while texting Ben yesterday, trying to keep his mind off of suicide. He's going through a tough time right now, and it would mean a lot to me if you would go give him some words of encouragement.. even if you don't really know what's going on.

...thanks.

Pride Alliance

I finally found them at a meeting.

I think the best word to describe them was... um gay, lol. The gay guys there were of the type that couldn't hide it even if they wanted to.

I didn't really say much. I was sort of uncomfortable with the fact that I recognized two of the people there. They aren't people that I see on a daily basis though. Though, according to someone else in the group, they are both straight...


At one point in the meeting, one of the guys turned to me and said "Am I counting you?"

I was like... "er, what?"

And he said "Am I counting you as one of the straight people here?"

So I just smiled and said "no."

That's pretty much the all I said, except for my name.
Though, they did sort of piss me off a couple times... mostly stereotype things. They were talking about events and how all gay men like to dance. I was thinking to myself... but I -hate- dancing. They were also talking about lady gaga. I hate to point out to them that I don't listen to her. I mean really, am I the only gay guy that -doesn't- like music that's been stereotypically labeled as "gay guy music"?!

*sigh*

In other news, I walked back to my dorm from campus in that blizzard yesterday. Lets just say it's a 1.5 mile walk, and my inner thigh muscles have been sore all day today.

Imagine

When I'm in a mood for slow-ish music, I listen to the emotive album from A Perfect Circle.



This song, to me, is about imagining a world without war.

I rather detest valentine's day

Sure it sounds bitter, think whatever you want. It seems like a day designed to remind people of how lonely they are. I kind of feel bad for my brother- his birthday is in two days (so we had cake today).

There was something else I was going to post about today, but I can't seem to recall what it was. So instead, have some kitten photos. Captions are below each one.

The box is her favorite toy. And that's my brother's leg, not mine btw..

Again, not my hand. Sorry :P

She likes to sit on top of the scratching post with her back legs hanging on either side.

She's pretty cute. But she's also naughty. We've nicknamed her "Nightmare."

She's staring at the neck strap for the camera.

Her box again

I figure it isn't fair to put all these kitten photos and leave the dog out. He turns his head when he barks. (He's a weird dog.)

The dog loves to play with the cat. And he's really good about it too, she rarely yells at him seriously.

Apologies for the relatively long post, even if most of it is pictures.

I got a haircut

He cut off a little more than I was expecting D:

Shaking my head doesn't make my hair move anymore -.-

Snow Day

Well okay, I had morning classes. But classes from noon onward were canceled. Which works for me, as it got me out of Heat Transfer (which means the homework isn't due until friday now). The funny part is, it's not even that bad out. The snow hasn't even really stuck on the roads. Which is ironic, because last time it snowed the roads were horrendous, and classes were still in session. I think the chancellor is just trying to avoid more angry emails.

On a side note, I haven't had a haircut since september. Normally I have a military cut, but I decided to let it grow out. I might point out that my mother hates this. I considered posting a picture here, but I decided not to. If you talk to me regularly on msn, you've seen me anyway. I think I'm going to go get it trimmed, as it's begun curling in the back. Since it isn't curling anywhere else, I think it looks kinda stupid :S

On another side note, I just had to close and reopen firefox. Know how when you have the internet window open, it displays the name of the web page at the top and at the bottom on the task bar? Well I seem to have managed to make firefox display those in japanese. I should also say that how I managed this is beyond me- I am baffled. However, closing and reopening the browser seems to have reset it to english.

Oh well...

Oh yeah, and since today was a snow day, I have no idea if the shuttles are still running. Which means, if they aren't, then I can't make it to this supposed Pride Alliance group meeting- if they are even still meeting tonight. *sigh*

I think I have a crush :O

So yeah, this one boy in music theory. I kept finding myself... watching him. Is that weird? He has a lot of the same habits and mannerisms that I do. Touches his face a lot, like I do. Rests his head in his hands the same ways that I do. Does this funny thing with his feet where he puts one foot on top of the other, just like I do. He wears an old baseball hat that just makes him even cuter. Is it weird of me to notice these things? IDK. Hes hot though :S

Almost.

I almost made a comment that totally would have outed me today.

I guess if I'm going to tell this story then I should first say that there are 3 bisexual girls in my classes. Everyone knows they are into girls as well, and... well, nobody cares. (So basically I'm not sure why I'm still so scared.)

Anyway, a few of us were sitting in the computer lab earlier today, and one of the girls was talking about how she could always point out all the guys that were gay when she was in high school, and that when they came out later in college, she was like 'it's about time.' To which I desperately wanted to respond with one of two comments:

"So, what about me? Am I gay?"
or
"So, can you tell that I am gay then?"

I almost did it. It was at the tip of my tongue. But I held back. I'm not sure why... it was a good opportunity to just do it and get it over with. *sigh* oh well. I might talk to her later when I'm more comfortable. I'm just not sure how these girls can be so comfortable with the idea of being attracted to the same sex. They talk about how they had crushes on certain girls in high school, and I'm just like... o_O thanks for sharing I guess...

But even if I did manage to come out at school, doing so to my family would be COMPLETELY different. I'm not sure that I can....

Why is this group so damn hard to find?

I went to find this supposed pride alliance group on campus. According to the email that I received, they meet on wednesdays at 6pm on south campus. Well I went to the specified room, on the specified day of the week, at the specified time, and nobody was there (I went once last semester as well, also to find nobody there... I don't think I mentioned that on here). Do you have any idea how much this infuriates me? I built up the courage to go (twice) and found only disappointment (twice).

I'm going to send her another email...

So yesterday...

I moved back into the dorms. On my way here, I stopped at a convenience store to buy a half gallon of milk, and the cashier called me 'hun.' Oh yeah, and it was a man. >_>

So that's my awkward moment of the week. Not that I minded, of course :P

Anyway, I got 3 of my text books this semester from one of the students that's a year ahead of me. All 3 books for $100 (that's a great deal btw- they would have cost over $100 EACH at the bookstore). And, since 2 of the books this semester are the same, I only have 2 books left to buy (I think). My Heat Transfer book, which new is like... $170. But the bookstore has used ones, last time I checked. Unfortunately I hadn't brought my check book along with me, so I hope they still have a used copy there tomorrow morning. The other would be the Basic Music Theory course I signed up for, as a general education course. But I'm not entirely sure that it even has a textbook. I guess we'll see.

By the way, I continue to find myself making eye contact with one of the boys in my classes. I'm not sure why >_> I don't honestly think I'm worth staring at. (He is though :P)

*hugs*

Classes start Monday

I know I haven't been posting much, but I've been on break and there really hasn't been much to post to be quite honest. I've been lazing around all day. I kind of feel bad for sleeping until noon every day lol :P

I met James last night (I kind of feel weird calling you James >_>). He's a nice person :) if a bit.. direct. lol. Four of us had dinner in the Boston area. It was a bit awkward for me at first, as I've never been with people who know that I'm gay, but I became more comfortable as the night progressed (no I wasn't drinking >_>). Overall, it was a nice night.

I move back into my dorm tomorrow afternoon... classes for the spring semester start on Monday. I need to find an internship, but there aren't many in my area. :/
I mean, I can apply at seabrook, but even if I get that internship, I don't have a place that I can live while I'm working there for the summer. I'd end up having to like, get an apartment. And not just that, but I'd end up having to buy a car as well. It's just annoying. Yeah, I know, I should have a car anyway. But I just haven't had a need for one. I take the bus to class.

Sigh. Oh well. I'll have to work something out. Hopefully my professors can help with the internship thing. Most of the nuclear-based internships in my area are medical, which isn't really what I'm looking for...

I guess that's all for now... this post is longer than I thought it was going to be.

*hugs*

Another Questionnaire

I actually pulled this one from a particularly old post of Ben's blog.

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My hair.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Grey. It's actually a Guiness hoodie lol. I don't even drink beer. (er.. much >_> I did have a beer at my uncle's house last week)

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
This assumed I've kissed someone...

4. Do you plan outfits every day?
Well I take my clothes out the night before so that I can shower and dress in a timely manner. I don't do much planning though. Pretty much a pair of pants and a hoodie that somewhat match in color is what I wear every day. Or a tee shirt if it's warm out.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Kind of tired, actually...

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
The red face of my rubik's cube >_>

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
I burned my index and middle fingers of my right hand on.. something. I can't quite remember what. It was odd because I woke up with all the pain of actually having burned my fingers :S

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
No :/

9. What are you craving right now?
Does sex count? lol :P Actually, I would like something salty right now...

10. Do you floss?
It's weird, I do floss daily at school when I brush my teeth, but when I come home for holidays, my hygene habits just go out the window :/

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Cabbage smells terrible when it's cooked.

12. Are you emotional?
Not nearly as emotional as most women. I think. Maybe yes. I don't know now.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Actually... yes >_> I was little and we were driving for a really long time so I counted cars that went past and stopped when I passed 1,000.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Both. When I bite it, I bite it with my lips rather than with my teeth. Is that strange?

15. Do you like your hair?
Yes I suppose. My uncle called me a mop and said I look like a Beatle. I might decide to cut it soon.

16. Do you like yourself?
How, exactly? Physically? Mentally? Physically, I rather dislike my body. Mentally... well, I can't say no... but I'd like to have less anxiety.

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?
Depends on what the occasion is. I would probably just so that I don't seem rude saying no.

18. What are you listening to right now?



19. Are your parents strict?
No >_>

20. Would you go sky diving?
Probably not. Does that make me a coward? :S

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
I can't honestly say that I've ever tried cottage cheese.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Not to my knowledge.

23. Do you rent movies often?
No.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
Well, yes. There are several ceramic dragons in my room decorated with glitter. BUT they do not look gay :P

25. How many countries have you visited?
Other than the US, since I live there... 3.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
No.

27. Ever been on a train?
I do not believe I have, actually.

28. Brown or white eggs?
Umm.. don't they taste the same? IDK we usually buy white eggs.

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
Yes.

30. Do you use chap stick?
Blistex's Lip Medex

31. Do you own a gun?
Not one that fires real bullets.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
Probably, I haven't tried in ages.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Nobody...

34. Are you too forgiving?
IDK I can hold a grudge for quite a while.

35. Ever been in love?
Unlikely...

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
I cannot honestly say that I definitively have a best friend at the present moment. My best friend from childhood kind of split off and went a different way and I haven't ever bonded with anyone else that closely.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
Ummm.... what are cream puffs?

38. Last time you cried?
When our pet bird was dying...

39. What was the last question you asked?
Hmm... I asked my brother if he had homework earlier today.

40. Favorite time of the year?
I must say the holidays. I like seeing all of my extended family and having the break from school.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
No. It's possible I could maybe have one in the future. Probably not though.

42. Are you sarcastic?
I don't have a word to sufficiently express the extent of my sarcasm.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Yes, and it's a great movie.

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Does a door count?

45. Favorite color?
Purple. Or Orange. Damnit, this question was on the last survey too.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yes.

47. Is your hair curly?
It's got some natural waves in it, but I wouldn't classify it as curly.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
That I bought with my own money? Nightwish's End of an Era disc, I believe.

49. Do looks matter?
My morals tell me to say no to this question, but honestly I'm not sure I could find myself physically or sexually attracted to someone who isn't at least *somewhat* decent looking...

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
I don't think so... Like I said before, I can hold a grudge for a long time.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
Not as far as I know.

52. Do you like your life right now?
I suppose so. I'd like to be out though.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
No.

54. Can you handle the truth?
I think that this question could be elaborated on, but I think that my answer is yes. I consider myself to be a mentally strong person. Though, I don't know how one would go about testing this >_>

55. Do you have good vision?
Not at all, lol. My prescription in my glasses is -2.75.... I can't see crap without my glasses or contacts.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
I can't say that I truly hate anyone. But dislike? well, yes. But probably not more than 3.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Not much. I absolutely HATE talking on the phone.

58. The last person you held hands with?
Nobody. Unless you count my mother when I was a child.

59. What are you wearing?
Briefs, socks, sweatpants, and a tee shirt. Do I need to list jewelry? I have a high school class ring, a necklace, and 2 bracelets (one on each arm). I suppose my glasses could be listed as well.

60.What is your favorite animal?
Probably dogs. Maybe cats. I can't decide.

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
Default picture for what? If you mean my license, then... at the registry of motor vehicles. If you mean my facebook photo... I took that myself, in my room.

62. Can you hula hoop?
I don't know, can I? I haven't tried it in a long time.

63. Do you have a job?
I'm currently a student. Though, I suppose my work study position would place me as a Lab Assistant in the Chemical Engineering labs.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Food >_>

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes, I do believe I have.